There’s no question that one of the keys to a happy, fulfilled, and contented life is to make the decision, once and for all, to stop blaming others and circumstances for how we feel. Our emotions belong to us. Our happiness, depression, joy, sorrow, anger and any other that come to mind, are ours. Like it or not, and for better or worse, we carry them around with us. The reality is you and you alone have the power to change them. I’m not saying that our emotions are wrong, inappropriate or bad – just that they are ours and we need to own them.
I remember as a child spending time in the store with my mother. Oh how I loved cruising the aisles, peaking over the counters and watching people. Of course there would always come a moment of truth, a moment when I would find the toy I just had to have. The hard part was convincing my mom I absolutely needed it. Most times, to no avail she would send me back to the toy aisle to return it. It was in those times when my eyes would fill up with tears that she would lean over and calmly say, “Pull it together…Now”. To this day I cannot explain how, but somehow my emotions became manageable. I laugh at it now, but there is a lot to be learned from those childhood experiences. Somewhere on our journey into adulthood, we lose our ability to govern our own emotions. I believe it is because we developed a sense of entitlement and just relinquished this powerful ability.
Emotions are something that we all experience; without exception. The key is not about experiencing them but managing them. In order to manage them properly we must change our beliefs concerning them. We must first understand that no outside force can control your emotions – that responsibility has been reserved for you!
It’s imperative that we realize that no one can “make” you feel anything. You are not a powerless victim, pushed around helplessly in the world like sand in the ocean. You decide – consciously or subconsciously – how to respond to any given person, situation or event. Sure, you might have decades of super-rigid patterning and belief-systems underlying your behavior, which make you respond almost automatically to life, but these can be changed and I’d like to offer some principles to help you on your journey
- Step out of denial: The first step in managing your emotions is to recognize that you are experiencing one and you have control over that experience. You have to be aware that an emotional outbreak is on the horizon and the control lies within you; most people are not. They simply act out of habit. Most times when people experience an emotion there is an automatic response that occurs without even being consciously aware. So before you know it, you are doing it again.
- Influence versus Control: People have difficulty understand this concept of responsibility for their emotions because they make no distinction between influence and control. Influence has the potential to impact, but it’s indirect. Control has a direct effect on a result. An experience may have the power to influence your emotions but never does it have the power to control your emotions – unless you relinquish it.
- Cause and Effect: I understand cause and effect in the physical world. I push the shopping cart and it rolls. I drop a glass and it breaks. But cause and effect don’t translate very well into the emotional world. When discussing emotions with clients, they inevitably bring up the time when someone upset them or pushed their buttons. When someone says something to you, the words don’t have a trigger button directly wired into your brain which switches on your “I’m upset” lever. You always have the power of choice.
Practicing emotional responsibility can be frightening at first, but you’ll find that it’s also liberating. Gradually, you’ll learn that you, not your circumstances, have control over your feelings. You’ll realize that you are the only person who can make yourself feel better or worse.
The good news is you cannot make anyone else feel bad. The even better news is no one can make you feel bad either. Claim your beliefs, feelings and actions as your own. Take back the reins of ownership, responsibility, and consequential control that come with ownership. Take that finger you’ve been pointing at everyone else, and turn it back towards you; not in blame, guilt or judgment, but for growth and personal development.
© 2013, Cherese L. Jackson. All rights reserved.
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