Empowered Living

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

How To Take Ownership of Your Emotions

There’s no question that one of the keys to a happy, fulfilled, and contented life is to make the decision, once and for all, to stop blaming others and circumstances for how we feel. Our emotions belong to us. Our happiness, depression, joy, sorrow, anger and any other that come to mind, are ours. Like it or not, and for better or worse, we carry them around with us. The reality is you and you alone have the power to change them. I’m not saying that our emotions are wrong, inappropriate or bad – just that they are ours and we need to own them.

I remember as a child spending time in the store with my mother. Oh how I loved cruising the aisles, peaking over the counters and watching people. Of course there would always come a moment of truth, a moment when I would find the toy I just had to have. The hard part was convincing my mom I absolutely needed it. Most times, to no avail she would send me back to the toy aisle to return it. It was in those times when my eyes would fill up with tears that she would lean over and calmly say, “Pull it together…Now”. To this day I cannot explain how, but somehow my emotions became manageable. I laugh at it now, but there is a lot to be learned from those childhood experiences. Somewhere on our journey into adulthood, we lose our ability to govern our own emotions. I believe it is because we developed a sense of entitlement and just relinquished this powerful ability.

Emotions are something that we all experience; without exception. The key is not about experiencing them but managing them. In order to manage them properly we must change our beliefs concerning them. We must first understand that no outside force can control your emotions – that responsibility has been reserved for you!

It’s imperative that we realize that no one can “make” you feel anything. You are not a powerless victim, pushed around helplessly in the world like sand in the ocean. You decide – consciously or subconsciously – how to respond to any given person, situation or event. Sure, you might have decades of super-rigid patterning and belief-systems underlying your behavior, which make you respond almost automatically to life, but these can be changed and I’d like to offer some principles to help you on your journey

Step out of denial: The first step in managing your emotions is to recognize that you are experiencing one and you have control over that experience. You have to be aware that an emotional outbreak is on the horizon and the control lies within you; most people are not. They simply act out of habit. Most times when people experience an emotion there is an automatic response that occurs without even being consciously aware. So before you know it, you are doing it again.

Influence versus Control: People have difficulty understand this concept of responsibility for their emotions because they make no distinction between influence and control. Influence has the potential to impact, but it’s indirect. Control has a direct effect on a result. An experience may have the power to influence your emotions but never does it have the power to control your emotions – unless you relinquish it.

Cause and Effect: I understand cause and effect in the physical world. I push the shopping cart and it rolls. I drop a glass and it breaks. But cause and effect don’t translate very well into the emotional world. When discussing emotions with clients, they inevitably bring up the time when someone upset them or pushed their buttons. When someone says something to you, the words don’t have a trigger button directly wired into your brain which switches on your “I’m upset” lever. You always have the power of choice.

Practicing emotional responsibility can be frightening at first, but you’ll find that it’s also liberating. Gradually, you’ll learn that you, not your circumstances, have control over your feelings. You’ll realize that you are the only person who can make yourself feel better or worse.

The good news is you cannot make anyone else feel bad. The even better news is no one can make you feel bad either. Claim your beliefs, feelings and actions as your own. Take back the reins of ownership, responsibility, and consequential control that come with ownership. Take that finger you’ve been pointing at everyone else, and turn it back towards you; not in blame, guilt or judgment, but for growth and personal development.

The Danger of Living By Committee

One of the rarest things to find in our world today is a person courageous enough to have an independent thought. You know, someone who is so in tune with their own authenticity that they are willing to retain freedom by thinking for themselves. The very thing we worship as a society with innovators, inventors and progressive development, we fear for our own selves. It’s the concept we love to hate. On one hand, we fantasize about being this great person with major influences but on the other hand we refuse to go through the process of life to become that very person. It’s the ultimate paradox.

Since independent thinking is at an all time low, we are left with a community so hungry for significance they would put their lives in the hands of others. This may sound far fetched, but consider how we behave on social media. We put every detail of our lives into the public eye via Facebook and Twitter, asking everything from what we should eat to how we should respond to a private relationship matter. What this means is, we are so disconnected from real life relationships we would put our destiny into the hands of comments and directives from strangers. I am aware that on such sites we refer to them as ‘friends’ but we have not established a true connection. We retreat back into our online persona and live based on public opinion.

By definition, a committee is a group of people officially delegated to perform a function, such as investigating, considering, reporting, or acting on a matter. All things considered, our lives are far too important to delegate our destiny to a group or committee. But the reality is, many find this tactic easier to live with. Without the ‘committee’s’ vote or say, we are left to be responsible for our own actions.

I want to share a few ways we can take back control of our own lives:

Re-evaluate what you share on social media: It has been said that the last frontier of privacy are the thoughts we decide to say aloud. Most of the people who have conflict have it because they chose to offer Too Much Information online. You are free to vent and say whatever you like, but you also will live with the consequences of those words. When you are angry, it is best to shut down the computer and seek the counsel of a real life person.

Remember the easiest person to sway is the one with no plans: When you have no idea of your own purpose you are at the greatest risk to be led astray. I don’t know about you, but I would rather remain still, than make a bunch of moves based on other people’s input. At the end of the day, if I am going to blow it, I want it to be on my own terms.

Do less talking and more doing: There is a fevered pitch of white noise all around. 24 hour news stations, instant online access and information around the globe in seconds. The new normal is to just say everything we wish for and little of what we are working for. So many are living a false sense of success via their social feeds. It’s easy to allow the noise to drown out reality and make us hide. But fight the temptation to gather supporters and as Nike says, just do it!

There will come times in life where having a close circle of friends to bounce ideas off will be invaluable. The problem arises when your committee mentality becomes your norm. I personally have utilized the experiences of others to help guide a decision, but I have seen how it can easily get out of hand. You never want to become paralyzed from moving because you are waiting for directions from another. Ultimately, you will have to be accountable for the life you create.

Learn To Treasure The Journey Of Life

It’s a fact that your life may not be what you had envisioned or hoped for, however, it’s time to make a concrete decision that you’re going to treasure the journey. Along our journey we will are confronted with many situations, some are filled with joy, and some with heartache. How we react to what we are faced with determines the attitude we’ll carry towards the rest of our journey. I’ll be the first to admit that there are days when I wake up and don’t want to get out of bed because I feel as if I already know how the day will unravel. It’s then that I remind myself of the lyrics to “Beautiful Day” by one of my favorite artist, India Arie:

“Wake up in the morning
And get out of bed
Start making a mental list in my head
Of all of the things that I am grateful for…”

Life is a process of experiences, good and not so favorable, that allow for a wonderful adventure if we’d learn to embrace the path. It’s those day to day, moment by moment experiences along with the expectation that we bring to it that decides what we’ll receive along the way. The treasure isn’t in the culmination of events; rather it’s in the path itself.

One day as I sat in a local coffee shop waiting for a client, I sat near the window and watched all the people that walked by. I thought to myself how amazing it is that there so many different people in the world, all encased in their own sense of individuality. Perhaps, because I’m a coach who deals with a variety of people, I was acutely aware that each person I saw had their own unique story to tell, complete with a past, present and future.

Treasuring the journey is all about being grateful for life itself and celebrating the opportunities that allow your adventure to be stamped with your own personal experiences complete with highs and lows. It’s the culmination of events and experiences that make up our own biographical sketch; with each new day marking a new page in our story. It’s only when you make a conscientious decision to treasure the journey that you’ll enter a life of gratitude. These can just be fleeting moments and passing days or every event can have purpose and meaning if you’ll stop to take it all in. Remember, the choice is always yours.

Life is a journey filled with lessons, hardships, heartaches, joys, celebrations and special moments that will ultimately lead us to our destination, our purpose in life. The road will not always be smooth; in fact, throughout our travels, we will encounter many challenges. It’s the union of all of these that entitles us to the rights of our story; uniquely our own, filled with adventure – a journey we can treasure.

In closing let’s explore more of India’s lyrics to “Beautiful Day”…

Early in the morning
It’s the dawn of a new day
New hopes new dreams new ways
I open up my eyes and
I open up my mind and
I wonder how life will surprise me today
Early in the morning
It’s the dawn of a new day
New hopes new dreams new ways
I open up my heart and
I’m going do my part and
Make this a positively beautiful day

Remember that we are human ‘beings’ and that means we must extract more than lessons from life. Let us learn to embrace the experiences so we can truly be authentic in all we say and do.

How To Break Free From The ‘Chain Of Fools’

In 1967 R&B legend and royalty, Aretha Franklin sang the words “Five long years I thought you were my man. But I found out I’m just a link in your chain. You got me where you want me I ain’t nothing but your fool.” on her epic single “Chain of Fools”. Written by song writer extraordinaire, Don Covey, specifically for Franklin. ‘Chain of Fools’ topped pop and blues charts and went on to win a Grammy. In fact, this rendition by Franklin was inducted into Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Songs of All Time. With a gospel feel she sings of being taken advantage of by a seemingly professional con man posing as her new found love. It is a scenario all too familiar for us all. Whether in relationships, friendships or business partnerships we all have endured the sting of being mislead.

This song has a sort of nostalgia as I recall my youth. I remember Saturday morning cartoons and the oldies playing on the radio. We had a blast singing to this song even though at that age, we had no idea what betrayal was. As we grow and experience life, we become connected to people for a variety of reasons. We work with them, we hang out with them, and we are related to them. Our lives intertwine and before you know it, we have forged tight bonds. Out of nowhere we are blindsided by an accusation, an argument or some times, a shocking revelation. That’s when we can really relate to the queen, Aretha Franklin in her second verse;

“Every chain has got a weak link.
I might be weak child, but I’ll give you strength.”

At some point we all feel that it comes down to them, or us. We are pushed into the corner once too often and we respond with a mindset that finally understands we have to take care of ourselves. We snap back to our senses and if we do not handle it correctly, we can further damage ourselves. Here are a few steps to remember as you decide to sever yourself from the ‘chain of fools’:

1. When breaking the chain, remember to operate in forgiveness: Once you come to grips with being made a fool of, you experience a flood of emotions. From rage to guilt to shame, you will run the gambit of feelings. It is very important to come from a place of grace and forgiveness of all the parties involved. And that includes YOU! Often as we struggle to forgive others, we never consider the option to forgive ourselves. Let them and yourself off the hook today.

2. As the chains fall, you must replace the behaviors with new ones: As with any transition, the most vulnerable time is immediately following a drastic change. When you take one habit or behavior away, it is important to replace it quickly with a better and more positive one. As I look back on my life, I know exactly when I made a change and failed to rearrange my daily habits. And each time I didn’t, I suffered in some way. We are creatures of habit, and left alone we can be our own worst enemy.

3. Hurt people hurt people: The reason the above principle of forgiveness is so vital to our growth is because without it, we cannot truly heal ourselves. Think of each relational confrontation as a tear on your soul. As each one is experienced, it leaves another mark on you inwardly. Even after you survive, you are left in a damaged state. If you do not allow yourself time to recoup, you will end up behaving much like the ones who hurt you.

Franklin closes her ballad of struggle by saying, “One of these mornings the chain is gonna break. But up until then, yeah, I’m gonna take all I can take. Chain, chain, chain, chain of fools.” Fortunate for us we have our own past history and the mentorship of wise people around us so we don’t have to simply wait around to take all we can take. Let’s use our network of empowered souls to free one another and live the life we can look back on and be proud of.

Escaping Energy Draining Zombies

Anyone who knows me knows I love a scary movie. In fact, it irritates my husband to no end to sit next to me in a movie theater when we see a horror flick. What can I say? I think the adrenaline rush when the creature jumps out of the abyss is the best! As long as I can remember I’ve watched these types of movies. In fact, I remember how disappointed I was at 20 years old when I, and along with some college friends, went to check out ‘Night of The Living Dead’ at the movies. We’d heard it was terrifying and a ‘must see’ of the year. So we gathered into our seats ready to scream our heads off. To say it was mediocre would be an understatement. I thought it was more comical than frightening.

Reminiscing on that piece of cinema history, I see a trend that has caught on in the last few years; zombies. Movie after movie has been released featuring the ‘undead’. From the quirky love stories like the recent ‘Warm Bodies’ to the classic flesh hungry hunter zombies in ‘28 Days’, we are seeing a resurgence of zombie activity. It’s kind of funny that these half living, half dead beings just don’t seem to go away. And as usual, art imitates life. Whether at work, in a social setting or even at home, you run the risk of encountering a different type of zombie. An energy zombie!

Energy Zombies usually attack when you are distracted: Take notice when you run into people who zap your energy. They seem to feed off negativity and are never shy in sharing the latest bad news. These zombies mask themselves as ‘realistic’ and brag about keeping things real. But they are really cynical and filled with a poison that will stop your progress. When you are riding high on positivity, avoid these zombies at all cost.
Energy Zombies feed from the creative ideas you have: Sometimes we share too much of our dreams. I heard Dr. Brené Brown say, “People should qualify to hear your most intimate thoughts.” I totally agree. Often we are so needy for attention we will accept it from anyone, even if we know they mean us no good. Energy zombies come around and we begin to release our dreams just to have them shoot it down. No matter how excited we are, they seem to be able to drag us back down to earth. That is exactly why we have to keep them at a distance.
Energy Zombies are easy to escape because they don’t move forward: I always wondered why people fall down and scream when being pursued by zombies. After all, they are dead and don’t move very fast. In my mind, all they have to do is run in a straight line to get away from them. Energy zombies are just like that. If you want to get away from an energy zombie, get focused, set a goal and begin action quickly. You will leave them in the dust. The last thing a zombie wants to do is move forward with any speed. They won’t be able to keep up while you’re chasing your dreams.

The zombie fad doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. They have invaded our movies, televisions our gaming systems. For the life of me I don’t get our obsession with the undead. Whatever it may be, there is also a real threat of energy zombies we see daily. Just because they move slow doesn’t mean they won’t creep into our lives. If I have learned anything, I know for a fact that you have to make sure the zombie is out of commission. You can’t defend yourself halfheartedly and expect to survive a zombie apocalypse.

See ya at the top,

Cherese